Dear Britney,
It's no secret that you've had a pretty rough couple of weeks. Radical image changes, rehab, public explosions of anger, looming child custody battles - it hasn't been a good time for you. The massive media attention can't be helping; indeed, as a journalist, I know it must only be making matters worse. What you need is some down time, somewhere far away from the U.S. paparazzi. Somewhere you can just have time to clear your head.
So I would cordially like to invite you to come to stay with me, Girl Clumsy, at my new apartment in beautiful Brisbane, Australia. I've only just moved in so the place is still clean, and you'll have your own room and bathroom. I also have a really, really cool new red lounge suite (you'll love it).
I've had my problems with anger in the past - you should have seen how mad I got when I wasn't cast in my school's play back in 1996. I had to go and see the Head of Students and everything. So I know what it's like for everyone to think you're a freak, and what it feels like when everyone's watching you and waiting to see what your next mistake will be. I know that at my house, no one will judge you, and you can just relax.
If you come and stay at my house, we can play Monopoly, or Cranium. I have heaps of DVDs we can watch. Do you like Futurama? But if you want to be mostly by yourself, that's fine too. I'm at work full-time, so you'll have to get yourself lunch, and sometimes dinner. I'll make sure the fridge is stocked, and there's lots of nice cafes in our area.
Please consider my offer. I'd really like to help you get back on your feet. But please don't think I'm telling you what to do. God knows you've had enough of people telling you what to do your whole life. If you do decide to come down to Brisbane, I hope it's 100 per cent your own decision.
Hope to see you soon,
Girl Clumsy.
P.S. I really liked what Craig Ferguson had to say about you! He seems like a nice Scottish man.
