The Unified Theory on Irritable Sweating

...aka "The Sweaty Genitals Theory".

It's not really just genitals - that just happened to be the first phrase I used when first trying to elucidate this theory.


You see, it's been particularly hot 'round Brisbane way these past few weeks. We had an unseasonably summery November, which has continued into summer proper, and there hasn't been the usual late afternoon storms once or twice a week to cool things off a bit.

The thing about these particularly hot summers is that the heat becomes the only thing people can think about. It's difficult to escape, and I think that reason can be traced back to the Unified Theory of Irritable Sweating.

Humans sweat. Well, if you believe my ballet teacher Mrs Donaldson, ladies perspire, but that's by the by. We exude moisture as a cooling method. It's a great evolutionary device.

Only problem is, the sweat gets annoying. Sure, you can towel off your oozing forehead, splash some water on your face, or fan yourself with your own t-shirt, but what about those parts of the body that are not as easy to reach - nor as socially acceptable to carry out cooling action upon?

I'm talking about the join-y bits - the underarms, behind the knees, under the belt line and ... well yes, downstairs. On a hot day, these places can get sweaty. Let's face it, when it's cold, that's where you put your hands to warm them up - you fold them into your underarms, or sit on them, or pop them between your thighs. So it's only a natural step to assume that these naturally-heat-producing areas work overtime in the summer, giving a greater degree of irritation.

The only way to get relief is a swim, or a shower, or to lie butt-naked spreadeagled in front of the split-system air-conditioner. And let's face it, not all of those are practical when you have to get on with your day - work, exercising, shopping, cooking, cleaning, going out, etc etc. Generally one has to wear clothes doing these activities, and while the ladies may find some comfort in skirts or dresses, sweaty skin can still rub and be irritable. Fabrics can be problematic all over the body - there's a reason your mother told you to wear cotton. And as for pants - well! They can be very restrictive - particularly those skinny drainpipe ones all the emo kids are wearing. No wonder all the ones hanging around the Queen Street Mall look so miserable.

My father was always a keen wearing of sarongs around the house. He grew up in Vanuatu, in the tropical South Pacific, where it gets pretty darn hot and humid. A sarong was a way of allowing air flow while still retaining some modesty. Well, unless he sat down awkwardly. Maybe we should embrace sarongs more? Perhaps baggier shorts? Culottes?

I'm not exactly sure how we'd go about it, but we need to find ways to relieve the discomfort of sweating, particularly  in the join-y bits. It'll help people cope with the warmer weather better. They'll feel more positive, and maybe, just maybe, they can stop updating their Facebook and Twitter feeds with endless bloody whinging about how hot they are.