Newswrap

They say every oak started out as a couple of nuts that stood their ground. Channel Nine political editor Laurie Oakes showed he's got what squirrels want, when he unleashed a bombshell question on Prime Minister Julia Gillard this week. Must've been a fair bit of high-quality wood in the National Press Gallery after that one. Still, should we chastise Julia for not speaking out about a leadership deal with Kevin Rudd? After all, "Et tu, Brute?" probably wouldn't make much sense to voters, what with all that Latin.

The Vatican has raised the sin level for the attempted ordination of women to one of the most serious crimes in canon law. Now for starters, I didn't realise the folk at Ye Olde Catholick Churche had a national security-style sinful threat rating system in place. What do we call this - a scarlet alert? A Jezebel warning? A vagina crime-a? And apparently, the ruling puts ordination of women on a par with child abuse. I guess there's a certain sense of balance there - now ladies too can say they've been f***ked by priests.

BP has finally managed to pop a cap in the ass of its leaking oil well in the Gulf of Mexico.

Queensland police have dropped burglary charges against star rugby player Quade Cooper. Apparently the case fell apart when the 22-year-old explained he was just trying to steal himself a more practical first name.

Road workers in the UK have refused to remove roadkill in order to paint white centre lines on a stretch of bitumen. Apparently they weaseled out of it by insisting it was the local Council's responsibility. After a bit of badgering and howls of protest about rat-running, Council's hedgehogged its bets and decided to remove it in the beast interests of drivers... oh, bugger it, this punfest has well and truly fallen over.