#30before30: Watch a Porno (part I)

So, pornography.

I’ve always had a vague idea of the purpose and philosophy behind adult entertainment, but have never actually experienced it. So it was a natural choice (huh?) for the #30before30 challenge to watch an X-rated film. I mean, it is about extending myself. Er, not like that, obviously.  It’s about pushing my comfort zones. Well, er, mentally, you see. It’s about getting a hole, sorry, whole new perspective on genre films.

For this challenge I recruited the help of Disco Stu, a worldly man with a keen interest in arthouse cinema.  After a brief discussion about what film might be good to “debut” with, we settled on Pirates XXX, the 2005 adult blockbuster and parody of Pirates of the Caribbean. Now I’m not saying that Disco Stu is a fan of the Digital Playground back catalogue, but he did arrive at Chez Clumsy with Pirates XXX on a flash drive and his own commemorative tricorno hat.

I must admit to being somewhat inspired in this endeavour by Once More With Feeling, Victoria Coren and Charlie Skelton’s hilarious 2003 memoir about their efforts to make the greatest porn film ever. They were inspired to do this after co-writing adult film reviews for an erotic website. After a few dozen features, they lost interest in the core business of the movies and starting focusing on the plots, and eventually decided they could do better.

Hence why Pirates XXX seemed a good choice.  Disco Stu informed me that the trend of adult films parodying actual films dropped off in the 1990s/early 2000s, as the fast-paced internet world drove a higher turnover and a focus on constant new product, rather than well-scripted stories that flesh out characters, rather than just, well, flesh. Pirates XXX was a move to reclaim the adult film as a genre worthy of financial input (oo-er), and had a million-dollar budget.

The plot is as follows: newlyweds Isabella and Manuel are separated when the evil pirate Victor Stagnetti kidnaps Manuel and throws Isabella overboard. She is rescued by Edward Reynolds, the long-haired captain of the Sea Stallion, and wannabe pirate hunter. While Stagnetti uses Manuel to find a mysterious map to a mysterious Caribbean island so he can possess and misuse a mysterious “staff”, Reynolds, his first mate Jules and their crew must work out a way to stop them.

The film obviously includes plenty of breaks for action too. And not Commando-style gunfights. Action that instead involves pirate queens and/or busty wenches. Freebooters getting plenty of booty, if you get my drift.

Disco Stu and I set up a recorder to capture our discussions of the film. So read on, for a rundown on the film, interspersed with our deeply philosophical commentary.



I observe the opening titles are accompanied by triumphant theme music, as the credits roll over a waving ye olde map effect.

GC: So are all these porn stars, like, famous porn stars?
DS: Yeah, this is an A-List cast.
GC: Janine, Devon... so porn stars just go by one name now?
DS: Some do. Like Cher.

We begin on a ship, with Manuel enthusiastically professing his love for his bride Isabella, who is coyly undressing behind a screen. I almost straight away begin laughing at the corny dialogue. “You are now and forever my wife; I love you for all that you are.” I would laugh at Isabella, but I cannot understand a word she says. I think she may have had a stroke. Turns out she’s about to have another. As I attempt to crack a joke about her crocheted undergarments, they begin exploring the physical side of their relationship.

GC: They obviously did Brazilian waxing in the 1700s! And I really can’t get over the 18th century boob job.
DS: And she’s not by any stretch of the imagination the only one.
GC: Obviously it was quite common. Thank the East India Trading Company.
DS: Yeah, they were funding it all.

I initially reached for the remote to fast-forward the scene, but then I thought that would be cheating. So we persist in watching the whole six minute sequence, which is punctuated with various cries, both from the yearning Isabella, and the gurning Girl Clumsy.

GC: So she’s wearing a pearl necklace. Like an actual pearl necklace.
DS: Yeah, I think that’s meant to be subtle.
GC: What on earth is she doing?
DS: No idea.
(We notice Isabella has a small tattoo at the base of her belly.)
GC: Would a woman of that era have a tattoo?
DS: I’m going to say no. They spent all that money, you'd think they could afford to cover that up.
GC: They obviously spent the money on the pearl necklace.
(It continues)
GC: So this is not really advancing the plot in any way.
DS: No – except to show that they really love each other. And they’re really driving that point home quite emphatically.
(Eventually, the scene reaches what Disco Stu describes as its “logical conclusion”)
GC: It’s such romantic violin music too.
DS: Yeah, I love it how the music swells.
GC: Indeed, much like her bosom.

With my first adult scene out of the way, we cut to a pirate ship, the “Devil’s Rose”. Finally, the plot! We see the evil pirate captain Victor Stagnetti at the helm as they bear down on Isabella and Manuel’s ship. For some reason, the crew of the first ship don’t notice their pirate enemies until both ships are side-by-side.

GC: Uh-oh. It looks like we’ve got a surprise raid.
DS: Which will probably be followed by a surprise raid.

Stagnetti, first mate Serena (his “vicious lady”) and their cuthroats kill a bunch of crew then force Manuel to reveal himself. He’s important, apparently. Isabella isn’t, so they toss her overboard. And by toss I mean throw, I mean throw! Stagnetti himself sounds like he learnt his pirate accent from the internet, but that doesn’t stop him sinking the other ship and making off like a bandit.

Next we go to another ship, the Sea Stallion. We hear the voiceover of Edward Reynolds, doing his best James T. Kirk impression. “Captain’s Log, August 25th, 1763.”

GC: “Captain’s Log??!”
DS: This is Evan Stone, who is fantastic, I have to say.

Captain Reynolds narrates his diary, saying how morale is low onboard, but somehow his first mate Jules is doing her best to keep their spirits high. Of course, his naive commentary is intercut with the peroxide Jules involved in some fairly athletic cabin-based activities.

GC: That’s actually quite funny. That sort of comedic switch would be in a real movie, just not as graphic.
(The music has ramped up a bit more now, and is a bit more high-seas jaunty. Disco Stu says they’re hardly going to bust out the slap bass)
GC:  So he’s obviously done some “manscaping” to the area?
DS: Yeah, many do now, it’s not just the girls.
GC:  It probably improves... I don’t know what it improves. Who’s that actor, the female?
DS: That’s Jesse Jane.
GC: She’s quite flexible. And obviously they’ve gone ‘We need to make sure everyone remembers it’s pirate times, so we’ll get her to keep her corset on’.
DS:  Yes, because otherwise people would forget.

Once finished, we’re back with Captain Reynolds, who needs more potassium nitrate so his Chinese cannon master Wu can properly man the guns. The portrayal of Wu is just a little bit ...incredibly racist. But no time to critique that now, as Reynolds is having a crisis of confidence. He wants to be a great captain, but feels he’s not up to the task of hunting pirates. Jules comforts him (no, not like that).

Evan Stone is actually somewhat appealing in his role. He’s the first to actually show a degree of acting talent, and is even comedically charming.  Jules is just a Californian Valley Girl, whom you expect to click her fingers and say “Oh no you DI-ENT!” at any point. She tells him if he follows his dream, he can “make worthy of his existence”, whatever that means.  At that point, they spy the unconscious Isabella floating in the water, and bring her aboard. She tells them her story of woe (even though you still CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE’S SAYING) and Jules press gangs Reynolds into bringing down the murderous Stagnetti. He’s nervous, but she convinces him by saying “And finally, people will know the love you have for all creatures”. He replies that sometimes he loves so much it hurts, and then describes his arms as “twin hellfire cannons”.

DS: I love that line.
GC: Is he taking the piss?
DS: Oh, absolutely.

So both the crews of the Devil’s Rose and the Sea Stallion make for the local pirate island. Stagnetti sends Serena off to find an “Indian priest”; while Reynolds and Jules go exploring and Wu takes Isabella to find that potassium nitrate.

Jules wanders into a bar to find Marko, an ex-flame whose hard-ass bitterness quickly turns into sobbing desperation as he pleads with Jules to come back to him. Some corny lovesick dialogue follows.

GC: He’s so emo. That’s why he’s wearing all that black eyeliner. And he kind of looks like Cameron Daddo.
DS:  I see where you’re getting that...
GC: Wait, did he just tell her that his stomach wouldn’t stop aching from the loss of her touch?!? What? She was touching his stomach?
DS: I don’t know.

We cut to Captain Reynolds being fawned over by two busty bimbo blondes he’s met in the street (“You are SO ADORABLE!”).  Disco Stu and I have a lot of admiration for the way Evan Stone is just committing to his ludicrous character, but I’m starting to get a little sad.

GC: I actually don’t want to see him in a sex scene.
DS: Really? ‘Cause you’re about to.
GC: He’s so committed to the absurdity of it all. I want him to stay in his own little world, while all the crazy stuff happens around him, but he’s not involved.

Unfortunately I can’t stop the inevitable disrobing of Captain Reynolds. There’s some rather saucy fantasy talk (a tipsy Reynolds tells how he dreamt a part of his anatomy was a large galleon); before one of the girls offers him a taste of “sweet pirate wine”, and they attack. I think my mind is starting to break.

GC: I don’t know if this is the right image to compare this to, but it’s like two vultures fighting over a carcass. It’s like hyenas or something, just tearing at the remainder...
DS: ...of a fallen wildebeest.
GC: And the music again is all violins...and it’s all “la, la, la”... and awwww....oh, that’s graphic.  It just looks ridiculous. I mean, they must do yoga.
DS: It is interesting, some of the poses.
GC: It sounds like someone being attacked.
DS: In a way, it kind of is.
GC: They’re not really showing him a lot.
(Pause)
DS: Well, they are now.
GC: See, there’s something lost about Reynolds now. I liked him when he wasn’t... you know, when everyone else was doing the sex, and he was just saying “I’m a CAP-tan, I fight PYE-rats” in his stupid voice.
DS: It’s almost like exercise at this point. Like lunges.
GC: See, the other chick isn’t really doing anything.
DS:  I think she’s there really to offer moral support.
GC: He’s not even saying anything now, he’s completely dropped character. He’s not even having sex ironically.
(There’s a lot of yelping sounds)
GC: She must be made out of those bendy straws. Obviously the other one isn’t as flexible. WHAT IS THAT?
DS: That’s impressive, is what that is.
(At the conclusion of the proceedings, a sweating Reynolds says triumphantly “I’m the greatest pirate hunter in the world!” and Disco Stu laughs)
DS: I do like to think he brings us back with that.
GC: Um. Yeah.

We’re not given much of a reprieve,  as action moves back to Jules and her desperate ex Marko, now going for it amid barrels of beer.

GC: Gee, there wasn’t much of a break there. There was a brief glimpse of some grizzled sea dog in the pub, then all of a sudden it was nutsack.
(Marko and Jules ramp up the action)
GC: See, I don’t think the human body is at its best advantage from that position.
DS: Certainly not the male body.
GC: It’s like a spongy beef down there.
(Jules still has her corset on; Marko is getting rather enthused)
GC: He doesn’t seem lovesick anymore.
DS: Well I think this is the cure.
(But then, when it’s over, Jules gets up and leaves, which turns Marko into a naked, sobbing foetal ball on the floor)
GC: That’s just weird.
DS: That is weird.

Meanwhile Reynolds is being stalked by another wench, who declares herself in love with his beauty and his poetic words. She tells him Stagnetti’s on the island, and he leaves to do something. I’m not sure what, as at this point Disco Stu and I discussed why I’ve never been brave enough to rent the infamous “art” film Shortbus.

So at this point, we’re about half way through the film. HALF WAY?!? Dear God. I should probably have kept this shorter.  There’s still the girl-on-girl scenes to get to, not to mention the “plot”. What’s going to happen? Stay tuned... I’m going to need a second post to finish this off.