#30before30: Watch a Porno (part II)

So, where were we? Oh yes. Porntown. Population: Girl Clumsy, Disco Stu, and a whole lot of pirate parts.

By the way, I realise I forgot to put a warning on Part I. Can I rectify that by saying - yes, this is probably going to be much the same. Careful if you're squeamish, or young, or particularly religious.


We're still on pirate island, and it's time to see what the evil pirate chief Victor Stagnetti is up to. Turns out he's raided the local church, and has tied up an old priest with an inexplicable accent. But he's not about to get sexually sacrilegious - he's torturing the old guy to find the location of the "Indian Monk". Said monk eventually reveals himself, but it's too late for the holy man, as Stagnetti has Serena sword him through the ribs.

GC: Oh no! You don’t kill a priest and get away with it.
DS: He must be really evil.

They then force the monk to carry out a ritual stabbing of Manuel, whose gut opens up a blue vortex that displays a convenient trio of Caribbean Islands that serves as a map to some kind of secret pirate weapon. Jules, who’s been tipped off by Marko, stakes out the church and sees the whole thing.  Trying to escape in a monk’s robe, she’s called into the confessional booth by Serena, who’s now starting to feel conflicted about her life choices, including the fact she’s had “many lustful orgies”.

Meanwhile Wu and Isabella have been searching for potassium nitrate. While strolling through a cobbled lane, Isabella is manhandled away by some bearded men, but Wu is oblivious. The man is really focused on getting some explosives for his cannon (no entrendre intended).

What follows is, for me, the most morally ambigious scene in the film. Isabella’s been kidnapped by – of all things – a buck’s party.  A gypsy girl tells her she’s about to be partner number two in a sex show present for the buck (who we never really see). Isabella struggles against her bonds, and protests loudly (if not clearly, I still can’t understand her, beyond the phrase “I will bite your nipples off”). But Gypsy Girl pushes on, and what happens? All of a sudden Isabella relents.

GC: This is basically rape.
DS: Yeah it’s kinda dubious.
GC: This is weird, this is really odd. A whole bunch of greasy dudes, just standing around.
(The bucks party guests “Argghgh!” their approval)
DS: Who every once in a while just let out an “Argghgh!”
GC: They must have just put a call out to bikies to play all these extras. Just stand around and watch nudie girls.
DS: Yeah. Not the worst job in the world.
(Also, girl on girl scenes seem to be a little more aggressive)
GC: What’s with the slapping?

I understand the concept of kidnap fantasy, torture fantasy, that sort of stuff. Hey, who doesn’t love Rhett Butler sweeping Scarlett O’Hara off her feet and stalking up their enormous Atlanta staircase, saying “Tonight you’re not closing me out!” Essentially Rhett is forcing himself on Scarlett. But she loves him, she just doesn’t know it. And he does love her, he’s just angry. And also, she wakes up afterward looking very satisfied indeed. Somehow all these things make it a bit more justifiable. ‘Cause it’s not, really. When you look at it objectively.

Is this much different to a woman being kidnapped to provide a live girl-on-girl sex scene for the amusement of a bunch of Neanderthal seadogs who’d probably fiddle a dog if given half a chance? Even though it takes her all of four seconds to come round to the idea? I understand it’s a fantasy for the viewer, most of whom would understand that you can’t just go around abducting women off the street. Actually, I really hope ALL would understand that.

DS: How are you finding all of this, by the way?
GC: I’m finding it really quite strange.  And where did she get her nails done?
DS: Same place they got the boob jobs and Brazilians.
GC: Hmm.
DS: Is it about what you expected?
GC: It’s probably a bit more graphic than I expected, but then, maybe I did expect that, because, you know, it’s people having sex. But it’s all the angles...
(Another chorus of approving “Arghghhs!” is followed by a “Land ho!”)
GC: She’s slapping her own arse! Oh my god, Did he just said “buckle her down?” What does that even mean?
DS: I don’t think he knew. He felt it sounded vaguely pirate and vaguely dirty.
(One of the pirates says something that sounds like “Somebody must lick ‘em”. I look at Stu)
DS: I don’t know what that was.
(And it’s during this scene that I start getting philosophical)
GC: I find it a little bit on the degrading side, I must admit. But I wonder if other people, specifically men, look at it as purely a visual image, and it’s not taken any deeper.
DS: And it depends on the guy too. There are some guys who get into that degrading side of things.
GC:  And that’s what I don’t really like. And I know a lot of women choose to get into pornography...
(I’m interrupted by the pirates chanting “Go! Go! Go!” as the ladies finish their performance. It ends with a hearty “Three cheers!” for the wenches)
GC: ...and cut.

Luckily the most questionable scene for me was followed by the most ridiculous. Jules has encountered Reynolds, and they fill each other in on what they’ve discovered. But oh no! Marko’s back, and he’s not happy. He ties them up inside a small shack, and sets on it fire. Jules tells Reynolds that something’s burning, but he, unhappy at discovering she’s not a virgin, responds with that it’s probably a certain part of her anatomy, due to all the action she’s been getting.

GC: OH MY GOD! THAT’S HORRID!
DS: It is a pretty terrible thing to say.
GC: See, it’s that whole thing of wanting women to be really sexually aggressive and experimental or whatever, but then at the same time calling them a whore.
(Just then Reynolds’ crazed blonde stalker appears, and promises to release them – on one condition. Can you guess what that might be?) 
GC: Wow, okay, she has real boobs.
(Reynolds and the stalker start getting busy, to slightly threatening music)
GC: THEY’RE IN A BURNING HOUSE! This makes no sense. Or at least do it quickly or something. What’s with the romance?
DS: It’s like they’re by a roaring fire in a fireplace. Except the fire is all around them and about to devour the house.
GC: I’m such a prude, I really am.
DS: I still can’t believe you’ve never seen a porno before.
GC: I don’t know, why would I? For starters I find it all a bit confronting...
DS: I can see that.
GC: It’s really right there in your face. And again, the FIRE!
DS: Is it more that you just can’t suspend disbelief at this point?
GC: I just, I understand that women choose to be in it, but I can’t help feeling that they end up... well, it’s hard to explain.
DS: No, I get it, and it’s something that’s been discussed at length. Because a lot of it is exploitative by its very nature. But there’s sort of a movement from the other side as well, from porn actresses, to sort of own it as well.
(Things get fairly racy)
DS: There’s a reason Evan Stone is in porn, and it’s not his acting ability.
GC: But he’s probably the best in the movie.
(Some stuff happens with another part of Stone’s “ensemble”)
GC: It’s just bouncing ballbag. They’re going to be down by his knees by the time he’s 70. At least the music at this point is more appropriate. It’s like “We’ve got to get this done!” Having said that, they obviously don’t want to get it done too quickly. We’ve got some time, that fire’s not really moving.
(They find themselves in a sticky situation. Even more so)
DS: See, a lot of women have  a big problem with that. The money shot, particularly on the face.
GC: Yeah.
DS: And it’s such a ubiquitous part of porn.
GC: Yeah, I find it a bit hard to watch. But, to each his own.
(They get out of the burning house)
GC: He was untied for most of that! He’s a big guy, why didn’t he just grab them both and take them outside?

Reynolds does take the stalker outside; in fact, he leaves her tied to a tree. He and Jules head back to the ship; to be joined at some point by Isabella, who’s scored her potassium nitrate from the pirates as a gift for her buck’s party services. So, both the Sea Stallion and Devil’s Rose are back at sea, and we’re heading towards more plot.

Actually, no we’re not.

Serena confronts Stagnetti, who’s been questioning her loyalty. He sensed “compassion” apparently. Serena asserts her dominance by forcing the pirate chief, at knifepoint, to his knees. “Now lick it!” she cries, as a flamenco guitar riff kicks in. It’s all a bit south of the border from here. Literally.

GC: What happened to her? She was all sad and contemplative before, now they’ve just forgotten her character’s story arc to justify this scene.
(I wander off to refill our glasses with Pepsi Max)
GC: That seems very bendy.
DS: Especially so? Is it?
DS: Well I don’t know, I don’t know.
GC: It just keeps going and going. But at least the music seems to sync up well. It’s got that “Ole!” sort of feel.
(Stu takes off his glasses to rub his eyes. The scene ends)

In a cabin on the Sea Stallion, Isabella confesses to Jules that she’s broken her marriage vows to Manuel by sleeping with the Gypsy Girl. Jules says it’s OK, as men like women being with other women. In fact, “they encourage it”. Jules says she likes being with women too. Gee, I wonder what’s going to happen now?

OK, I’m officially getting BORED. This scene drops all pretence at character, it’s just some pounding bongo drums and the two women swearing in ecstasy and slapping each other a bit. We’re munching on some lime & cracked pepper chips; they’re munching on - I make a decision. FAST FORWARD.

It’s instant comedy gold. Like a Benny Hill chase.

DS: It’s true. In a long sitting like this, it does start to get a little dull.
GC: I just want to find out what Victor’s after and the plot and stuff.

The Devil’s Rose pulls up to Callinberus Island (that’s probably wrong, but I can’t understand what their saying). The Sea Stallion follows. Reynolds takes charge “It’s dangerous, and it could be a trap!”. Our valiant crew of pirate hunters make landfall.

DS: They had several sex scenes really close together, and now it’s like they’re getting the plot out of the way. The pacing’s all over the place.

Stagnetti and Serena, dragging a still bound Manuel with them, enter a cave, and find a statue holding the mysterious “staff” that Victor’s been searching for. I’ve got no idea what it does. Something about unstoppable power. Blah blah blah. Men and their staffs and their unstoppable power. GET A JOB AND GET OVER IT ALREADY.

Anyway, they make Manuel retrieve it, because he’s a descendant of the Incans who made the staff.

GC: Like in Indiana Jones. He’s the one who can pick the cup.
DS: You have chosen... wisely.
GC: (in grizzled crusader knight voice) Now you must have sex with me, Indy.
(Reynolds and his team burst in, with the pirate hunter demanding Stagnetti hand over the staff, or he’ll kill Serena. Stagnetti doesn’t mind, saying he’d be happy to be rid of her “scurvy vagina”).
GC: OHHHH.
DS: That’s actually quite a mean thing to say.
GC: All she needs is a little bit of lime on it.

Stagnetti uses the staff to conjure up a bunch of skeleton soldiers. Reynolds and the crew attack them with swords and knives. There’s some fairly spectacularly dodgy GCI as the bones crumble and fall. For some reason, the girls’ boobs pop out of their corsets as they strike.

GC: And why’s there no music in this part? It’s just the echo noises of the cave.
DS: Yeah there’s no soundtrack.
GC: And this would be the part in a normal movie where there’d be a stirring accompaniment.

The music eventually kicks in as Reynolds et all race back to the Sea Stallion to escape the skeletal army. A sea battle is imminent! (Although I’m fairly certain my mariner father would find flaws with their navigational skills. Maybe he should set up some sort of consultancy business?) The battle is tense, and the Sea Stallion needs to pull something out to save the day.

POTASSIUM NITRATE!

That’s right, Wu saves the day, with Isabella’s saucy payment facilitating mega cannon blasts that sink the Devil’s Rose. Stagnetti goes down with his ship, after uttering the immortal line: “From Davy Jones’ locker, I stab at thee!”

So that’s it! Huzzah! Bad guys dead, good guys triumphant. That’s it, right? WRONG.

We have to sit through another TWO sex scenes. First, is the reunited Isabella and Manuel, who’s taken Isabella’s recent discovery of Sapphic pleasures very well indeed. Frankly, I’m not invested, and conversation with Disco Stu drifts off to other matters, such as Iron Man 2. I occasionally question as to how the actors might be being directed, but for the most part, I’m over it.

Then Jules assertively comforts Serena, who’s joined Reynolds’ crew after being abandoned by Stagnetti.

DS: You can probably guess how this is going to turn out.
GC: I thought this was over!
DS: I know, we’re now into the second sex scene of what is essentially the epilogue.
(Jules tells Serena that Stagnetti couldn’t love, because “evil is incapable of such beauty”)
GC: What?
DS: No idea.
GC: See, at least she’s playing a character. Being a bit stoic and upset.
DS: Yeah, there really is a range of acting ability. Some people are just terrible.
GC: And that’s the thing, you know, I’m not the greatest actor in the world, but...
DS: A lot of these people wouldn’t have had to do a lot of this before in films – they wouldn’t even had to act.
(We fast forward again. I think my mind actually breaks when the girls begin experimenting with candles. The frames flick past, and there are two candles, lit, poking out of Jules)
GC: OH GOD. I’m scarred for life.
DS: I was going to say that you’ve actually gotten off reasonably lightly, as most of the sex has been relatively vanilla.
GC: I’m sure I have (curls into ball).

The film ends with the ensemble gathered on the deck of the Sea Stallion, pledging to continue hunting pirates. “Drink up me hearties,” says Serena “Serena is now hunting thee”.  I love the fact they chose the last line of the film to throw in a “thee”. The credits roll, to the sound of a fairly direct rip-off of the Pirates of the Caribbean theme.

GC: Script superviser?
DS: Yeah.
GC: "Just say “f***” a bit more!"

And it’s over.

Many of these people have bonked each other.

So, what did I think? I don’t know. Stu reiterates that it’s not typical of most porn these days, although is becoming typical again.

DS: You know, it’s a like a proper film, with a theoretical plot...
GC: ...with a beginning, a middle and an end. Actually, lots of endings. Mostly happy ones.

I have concerns about things like the kidnap scene, and Disco Stu agrees it was uncomfortable. I wonder about how you teach people to have a healthy attitude about sexual matters, whether you get into porn or not. I’ve never really sought porn, and I say I can’t really comprehend doing that sort of “role play”, because I’d laugh too much at the ridiculousness of it. But I accept that porn in some form or another has existed probably since the first cavemen mixed some ochre with water and drew some boobs on a cave wall.

I describe to Disco Stu what I think is sexy, which basically boils down to brooding literary heroes as depicted in BBC dramatic adaptations. It’s all about the intellectual turn-on, you see. I don’t need or want to see my favourite romantic leads nuding up. I don’t want to see any dangling parts of Mr Darcy. I don’t want to see Mr Rochester getting raunchy. And I certainly don’t want to see Mr Thornton in anything but broody solitude. The sexual energy is all there, but it’s bubbling away under the surface, and I hazard a guess that I would find those more erotically charged than 500 porn films could ever be.

But that's just my two cents. Or rather, my 5000-odd words. Gee, my mother will be proud.