#30before30: Go Bra-Less

This article was originally published on Brisbane Times. If you're enjoying the #30before30 challenge, why not consider donating a few dollars via the secure PayPal link in my sidebar? All donations will be split 50/50 between the Australian Red Cross and Brisbane Arts Theatre. Thank you!

Greetings, readers. Allow us to introduce ourselves. We are Natalie’s breasts. Pleased to make your acquaintance.Obviously if we meet in person we do like it if you make eye contact with us, but we’ll manage if you prefer to look in Natalie’s eyes.

A lady known only as Mary gave Natalie the #30before30 suggestion of “going a normal day without wearing a bra”.

Now there’s been the odd illness where Natalie’s spent the whole day in her pyjamas, or perhaps a lazy Saturday that didn’t require anything more uplifting than a Berocca and a copy of The Power of One – but when you’re talking regular days, Natalie always makes sure we are firmly strapped and packed into the most appropriate undergarment (Not that she’s very caring about us. Would it kill her to adjust the straps occasionally?).

Anyway, we thought we were much better placed to write about Natalie’s challenge to go bra-less than she, as obviously we were more directly affected.

#30before30: Story Bridge Climb

This article was originally published on Brisbane Times. If you're enjoying the #30before30 challenge, why not consider donating a few dollars via the secure PayPal link in my sidebar? All donations will be split 50/50 between the Australian Red Cross and Brisbane Arts Theatre. Thank you!

I cross the Story Bridge virtually every day. It's one of my favourite spans in the world, and yet in the almost six years the Story Bridge Adventure Climb has been in business, I've never made the very short trek to their Kangaroo Point HQ to get a closer look.I guess you always neglect sights in your own city – whenever my partner and I visit new cities, we have a habit of finding a nice tall building or structure to go up, so we can get a good look at the place below us. And while Mt Coot-tha gives you a nice overview of the Brisbane; it's quite a far away one. But the Story Bridge? You don't get much closer to the action.

Climbing the Story Bridge was suggested to me as a #30before30 challenge by a number of people, including Bayside Bob at brisbanetimes.com.au, and the Adventure Climb crew very kindly let me join a twilight tour on Saturday 18 September.

#30before30: Visit an Abattoir

The state government’s “Walk A Day” campaign is certainly making for interesting times for journalists sent out to cover politicians. Last Friday I watched Education Minister Geoff Wilson pull beers at the Arana Leagues Club, and on Monday morning I saw Natural Resources Minister Stephen Robertson knocking around the Underwood Bunnings in a tool belt.

But it was Monday afternoon’s visit to the Churchill Abattoir at Yamanto that really took the cake. Although perhaps “cake” isn’t the right word.

#30before30 Links

#30before30 is now in full swing on Brisbane Times! The good people at the paper have now opened up comments on the articles, so I thought I'd provide links here in case readers would like to see how the project is looking in its amazing BT technicolour dreamcoat.

About #30before30

Trapeze Sailing

Street Photography

Eating at a Michelin-starred restaurant

Watch a Porno - this went up yesterday, and I've been told it was the most read article on the site for the day - due, no doubt, to its search-engine friendly title!

Visit an Abattoir - this was something of an impromptu challenge, after I found myself out at the Churchill Abattoir to follow Transport Minister Rachel Nolan on her "Walk a Day" job. I'll repost the article here in a day or so (with extra bonus footage!)

Unfortunately, my #30before30 campaign has been seriously hampered by the lamentable death of my laptop late on Sunday night. I was just finishing the second of two #30before30 articles - of course, they're now trapped somewhere in my decrepit motherboard, and I'm hoping a visit to some sort of computer expert today or tomorrow might help me retrieve them. Otherwise, I'll have to start all over again!

If anybody could help me out with contacts for a life drawing class, or perhaps a shadowy poker or blackjack expert who could teach me about playing the tables, or somebody who knows a Morris dancer, pole dancer or a skateboarding crew - I'd be really grateful. I'm doing my best to organise to do all of these things, but obviously I'm still working and doing everything else I normally do, so leads are most appreciated!

#30before30 on Brisbane Times

I'm pleased as punch to announce that the #30Before30 project has been taken up by Brisbane Times!

The plan is to post my challenge write-ups first on Brisbane Times, then repost them here a day or so later. If I can, I'll try to post bonus content here as well. I hope this does not inconvenience too many readers!

Special thanks to the tremendously talented and infinitely patient Aurelie of Elysee Photography for taking a great headshot of me in very demanding circumstances (ie, at the Eagle Street Pier in no light).

And thanks to everyone who has been enthusiastic about this project - it's quite daunting, so I really do appreciate your kind words and feedback. I hope I can repay you with entertaining stories.

Don't forget to donate! I'm hoping to raise money for both the Australian Red Cross and Brisbane Arts Theatre; so if you like any or all of the 30Before30 articles, why not consider donating a few dollars? You can do this securely online through the PayPal button in my sidebar. Thank you!

Party. Birthday Party.

There's going to be some fairly exciting news about the #30Before30 project tomorrow, so do make sure to check back. But until then, please enjoy this:

That's right, I'm having a party. A super-awesome spectacular party. A James Bond-themed fancy dress party. I haven't had a big bash birthday since my 21st, so I'm particularly looking forward to this - and I hope to share it with you!

I know there are people who read this blog who I'm not connected with via email or the various social media networks. If you'd like to come along, please email me (natalie at girlclumsy dot com) for more details about the venue.

Many thanks to Dan for creating the invitation!

#30before30: Drink Tea

My mother swears by the restorative power of a cup of tea. She’s not the only one. Indeed, one could say that Britain’s addiction to tea really powered its Empire and slave trade back in the 1700s. They liked tea, so they bunkered down in the subcontinent, and they liked sugar in their tea, so they needed to steal a bunch of Africans to work their cane plantations in the Americas.

Yes, there are many reasons to dislike tea.

Weapon of mass destruction.

But historical indentured servitude and the treatment of humans as beasts of burden aside, I’ve just always hated the taste.

“It’ll relax you when you’re wound up, and pep you up when you’re feeling down,” enthused Dan, as we relaxed on his white sofa with a cuppa. “It’ll warm you up when you’re cold, but also cool you down when you’re hot.”

I’d made the trek to Dan’s Moorooka abode to take part in the simple act of “having a cup of tea”. For at least 12 months, Dan had been on and on at me to drink a bloody cup of tea with him. “I've never drunk tea, it’s horrible stuff,” I’d say. “But there’s a ritual, and an atmosphere and a mood, and a real delight to share a cup of tea with someone,” he'd flounce back. I’d tell him to put his skirt back on, the big girl, and the conversation would stop. Until the next time he brought it up.

"Go on, go on, go on."

When I decided to do #30before30, I knew that “drinking tea” would inevitably be on the list. Dan would have been a teary mess had I not agreed to it. I just couldn’t face the prospect of all that EMOTION. Sheesh. So, I decided to step forth and think of England, and wrap my laughing gear around a cuppa.

#30before30: Watch a Porno (part II)

So, where were we? Oh yes. Porntown. Population: Girl Clumsy, Disco Stu, and a whole lot of pirate parts.

By the way, I realise I forgot to put a warning on Part I. Can I rectify that by saying - yes, this is probably going to be much the same. Careful if you're squeamish, or young, or particularly religious.

#30before30: Watch a Porno (part I)

So, pornography.

I’ve always had a vague idea of the purpose and philosophy behind adult entertainment, but have never actually experienced it. So it was a natural choice (huh?) for the #30before30 challenge to watch an X-rated film. I mean, it is about extending myself. Er, not like that, obviously.  It’s about pushing my comfort zones. Well, er, mentally, you see. It’s about getting a hole, sorry, whole new perspective on genre films.

For this challenge I recruited the help of Disco Stu, a worldly man with a keen interest in arthouse cinema.  After a brief discussion about what film might be good to “debut” with, we settled on Pirates XXX, the 2005 adult blockbuster and parody of Pirates of the Caribbean. Now I’m not saying that Disco Stu is a fan of the Digital Playground back catalogue, but he did arrive at Chez Clumsy with Pirates XXX on a flash drive and his own commemorative tricorno hat.

I must admit to being somewhat inspired in this endeavour by Once More With Feeling, Victoria Coren and Charlie Skelton’s hilarious 2003 memoir about their efforts to make the greatest porn film ever. They were inspired to do this after co-writing adult film reviews for an erotic website. After a few dozen features, they lost interest in the core business of the movies and starting focusing on the plots, and eventually decided they could do better.

Hence why Pirates XXX seemed a good choice.  Disco Stu informed me that the trend of adult films parodying actual films dropped off in the 1990s/early 2000s, as the fast-paced internet world drove a higher turnover and a focus on constant new product, rather than well-scripted stories that flesh out characters, rather than just, well, flesh. Pirates XXX was a move to reclaim the adult film as a genre worthy of financial input (oo-er), and had a million-dollar budget.

The plot is as follows: newlyweds Isabella and Manuel are separated when the evil pirate Victor Stagnetti kidnaps Manuel and throws Isabella overboard. She is rescued by Edward Reynolds, the long-haired captain of the Sea Stallion, and wannabe pirate hunter. While Stagnetti uses Manuel to find a mysterious map to a mysterious Caribbean island so he can possess and misuse a mysterious “staff”, Reynolds, his first mate Jules and their crew must work out a way to stop them.

The film obviously includes plenty of breaks for action too. And not Commando-style gunfights. Action that instead involves pirate queens and/or busty wenches. Freebooters getting plenty of booty, if you get my drift.

Disco Stu and I set up a recorder to capture our discussions of the film. So read on, for a rundown on the film, interspersed with our deeply philosophical commentary.

#30before30: Street Photography

The always charming Kris Anderson suggested trying "street photography" while on holiday in Hong Kong. As far as I can understand, this means snapping away at random things/people as you wander around somewhere. I've collated the photos I took specifically for this into a small video presentation; please forgive the poor quality of the shots! I've had my Nikon D80 dSLR camera now for 18 months or so, but remain embarrassingly ill-versed in how to use it. These were all taken with my little 50mm fixed lens (at least I think that's what it is).

I think two things are clear from these photos:

1) Taking photos in black and white is a really good way for a beginner to cover up some really dodgy camera work.

2) Adding a soundtrack by Deep Forest makes everything just that little bit more arty and meaningful.

PLEASE NOTE! I've added a PayPal donation button in the sidebar. If you're enjoying reading my adventures, please feel free to donate some cash (no amount restrictions). All money raised will be split between the Australian Red Cross (for Pakistan flood victims), and the Brisbane Arts Theatre. Donations are voluntary. Thank you!

#30before30: Eating at a Michelin-starred Restaurant

The lovely Amanda got in quick on my #30before30 call for challenges, and pointed me towards this Sydney Morning Herald article about Tim Ho Wan, the world's cheapest one-star Michelin restaurant. Amanda herself is only a few kicks away from having a baby, and so she urged me to feast on dumplings and wontons instead.

And so it was that on Saturday 4 September I found myself hustling out of a taxi onto Kwong Wa Street, Mong Kok, a bustling market shopping area of Kowloon. I could tell which tiny hole-in-the-wall shopfront was Tim Ho Wan by the line-up out front.

The restaurant stood out between hobby shop after toy shop after model shop.

I wandered up past the row of motorbikes to see a well-dressed but stern-looking Door Lady speaking in rapid Cantonese to the 15 or so wannabe diners forming a vague sort-of lumpish queue in front of her. Occassionally she'd scrawl a number on a scrap of paper and hand it to someone; then she'd scribble another number on a blue sheet taped to the glass door; then she'd disappear inside for a while. Occasionally people were let out, and others let it. This was some sort of waiting list. I had to work out how to get on it.

Chewing Over Hong Kong Felafel

Hong Kong adventures

Just some videos I've taken around Hong Kong these past few days (hopefully for your amusement!):

A hair-brained adventure:

Next is Kwong Wa Street, Mong Kok, home of the one-star Michelin restaurant:

And finally, finding art down the back of the couch (almost):

I'll post more in-depth details about Hong Kong Felafel and my second #30before30 experience when I get back and can properly go through the photographs.

#30before30: Trapeze Sailing

My uncle Jan has a Magic 25 racing boat called Viagra "...because it's blue".

One could add that it certainly attains an admirable angle when stroked the right way - in this case by the breezy winds of Clear Water Bay. No so clear today however; the water was in fact a churning brown colour as we motored out of the Royal Hong Kong Yacht Club marina and into the bay proper.

The plan had been to sail her around the southern side of Hong Kong Island to the ABC Yacht Club, in preparation for a regatta tomorrow. But the constant drizzling rain and poor visibility forced us to turn back before we reached the open sea. No matter! I accomplished what I set out to achieve: trapeze sailing.

Certainly well-built and sturdy. And the boat ain't bad either.

To be honest, I felt safer on the wire than off it. There was something about sitting out and away from the hull that removed me somewhat from the general nervousness I get with the bang-bang chopping effect of waves on a bow. Things got interesting though when Jan decided to put the spinnaker up to take advantage of the downwinds as we headed back to the bay. Geez, those kites are frisky. Jibs and mains seem to obey you, but kites are like... well, this one seemed awfully like Dusky the dog (see below). It was doing its own thing. At one point we even broached; the Viagra rose up to an 80 degree angle. I dealt with it a lot better than I thought I would, even with very little to grip on to, and the boat as slippery as Las Vegas stripper pole.

After three hours of strutting and fretting upon the waves, we returned. I was soaked through after about five minutes of being on the water, but it was only after we pulled up that I started getting a bit chilly. Bless you, typhoon-induced tropical heat.

Oh yeah, and by the way, how can a boat called Viagra still be referred to as a "she"?

Girl Versus Dog

Greetings from Hong Kong! I can report the weather is fine yet hazy, with humidity so close you could grab its collars and give it a good slap in the face. If you're inclined to do those sorts of things, of course. Me? I'm not too bad with humidity. Apparently this makes me some sort of freak. Tell you what though - I'd rather be sweating than suffering through that horrid fluid-sucking feeling of a dry heat. Even if I did skull a 500ml Coke Light in about 13 seconds last night.

But I digress.

I wanted to spend some time this morning wandering the forested trails near Parkview, the sprawling apartment complex that houses the Hong Kong wing of the extended Clumsy clan. I thought it might be nice to take Dusky, their dog, a rather excitable labrador cross, with me.

Dusky, however, had other ideas. Obstinate, doggy ideas:

I guess it was over 30 degrees outside, and approaching midday. Maybe Dusky's the smart one.