The Bendable Candle Lighter is apparently "Great For Candles!" By the way, did I tell you about my "Waterproof Bear-Hurling Trebuchet"? It's "Great for Bear-Hurling!".
What the f*** is this bulls**t? Mars Caramel? What do Mars take us for, fools?
It's pretty simple. Your Mars Bar is made up of THREE components - a crispy chocolate coating, a delicate layer of caramel, nestled above a bed of delicious nougat. The Mars Bar REMOVES THE NOUGAT. I'm sorry Mars, you just can't DO that sort of s*** and still call it a Mars Bar. Would Christians like it if you deep-sixed the Holy Spirit then insisted the God/Jesus combo was still a Holy Trinity? NO THEY WOULD NOT.
And this is a wider message for chocolate companies. Stop muddying the f***ing waters already. Isn't it enough that we have Cadbury blocks in every conceivable nut and filling combination - do we have to have them as ice-cream versions as well? Isn't it enough that we get our bubbles of minty Aero goodness from a block of the stuff, rather than a flimsy dairy dessert? I CAN'T COPE WITH ALL THIS MODERNISATION.
I thought I should try oatmeal. You know, porridge. You can see for yourself above how humourous The Wah found the whole idea.
I tried to microwave the porridge twice last week at work; on both days it exploded in a gooey milky mess.
I was following the instructions, I don't know what I did wrong. Maybe the microwave was too powerful. Maybe the milk was laced with nitro-glycerin. Damn explosive-uddered dairy cows.
Thank you! I'm not the only one who thinks the candy companies are messing with us. Peanut butter Snickers? WTF? That's not a Snickers!
ReplyDeleteAnd what is "Low GI"? Must be "Goodness Index"?
LOL. Someone's serious about their chocolate!
ReplyDeleteCalm down, dear Nat. =D
My main gripe with that Mars Caramel ad is that it's so obviously false.
ReplyDeleteIt says 100% caramel, RIGHT UNDER THE PICTURE SHOWING THE CHOCOLATE COATING! 100% means it's *all* caramel, and nothing else. What kind of fools do they take us for?
I agree with the Wah.
ReplyDeleteI was made to eat porriage when I was little. It wasn't satisfying. I could sit on the ground and cry untill I got my cornflakes and banana.
Have you seen the new Cadbury 'Chocolate with cookies'? I love the stuff, but it's TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE! All you have to do is take one bite, want more, pick up the next peice and want to vomit. But damn is that one chocolaty peice great.
Ah, what little you know of porridge...
ReplyDeleteFollow the instructions for cooking in a pot
Microwaves were not known in the 19th century
Add lashings of Golden Syrup and a dollop of double thick cream
And off you go to ecstasy land
Regards
The Ancient Man
Porridge is the best. You just need to cook it with milk and water in a saucepan on the stove and then add brown sugar and a very small pinch of salt.
ReplyDeleteMicorwave porrige trick - the container needs to be massively oversize to the amount of ingredients. The water will form into this porrige-steam gelationous mass and try and escape. Use your biggest microwave dish, so that the ingredients only occupy the bottom 1/6 of the dish. After you cook the porridge, look at the sides - that is how high the porridge climbed. I use a 2.5 litre rice cooker to cook half a cup of porridge. http://www.starmaid.com.au/item-detail/?id=80
ReplyDeleteThe Ancient Man is correct. Microwaved porridge is the devils work.
ReplyDeleteBack when milk came in bottles, the trick was to save the thicker top-of-the-milk for putting on porridge. Brown sugar too as Sam says. Awesome, AND healthy!
100% granola!
ReplyDeleteI am right there with you on the Mars Bar madness! They've done the same thing in America, right under my nose, and I didn't notice until I was half way through my candy bar! Bad, bad idea!
ReplyDelete(Had to giggle at thought deep-sixing the HS & still calling it Trinity. Love your passion!)