Sigh/Kick

It's just gone 1:04am, and I'm watching PsychicTV, a live-to-air Foxtel forecast-a-thon, which has been picked up by the digital free-to-air channel Gem.

Why? Getting ready for bed... left the channel on after Conan O'Brien... no excuse really.

The host is a skeletal blonde with an unforgiving asymmetrical bob. When she turns to talk to her guest psychic, the longer right-hand slick of hair obscures her face.

She welcomes a Blondie Psychic wearing thick black eyeliner, and they take voice and text message requests from viewers. Blondie Psychic provides a "snapshot" reading, and Skeletal Bob encourages the person - and all home viewers - to ring in for a full consultation.

At $5.45 a minute.

Simon texts "I'm studying now, but I have no idea what I'll be doing in a year from now. Can you see anything for me?"

Blondie Psychic shuffles her big tarot cards and says she sees success. She says she believes Simon will change fields and do something different, and that will lead to A Lot of Money.

And I think - surely it's not that much of a jump to land on Simon's text's subtext? That he may not be entirely satisfied with his current study choice. So isn't she just... suggesting the obvious, with a little glitter on top?

Skeletal Bob bades farewell to Blondie Psychic, who'll take a place in one of the booths behind the hosting desk, where she'll join other TV psychics taking calls from home viewers.

At $5.45 a minute.

80s Fringe Psychic is welcomed to the hosting desk.

I think 80s Fringe Psychic may be a man. Surely no woman who lives in the modern age still thinks a heavily blow-dried side parting mixed with a short feathered fringe is acceptable.

But Skeletal Bob maintains she is an expert astrologer, clairvoyant and author, so 80s Fringe Psychic is allowed to offer a texter some consolation on whether her time for love has arrived.

"You have to work out what love means to you," she says, "Then work out how to find that love in your life."

It manages to be both simplistic AND confusing. There is more sense in early-90s Eurodance tracks.

Still, I'm intrigued. I wonder what they would say, if I called them up? Would they predict fame and fortune? If they saw my future as obscurity writ large, would they tell me?

Better yet, what would they say if I asked them some real doozies?

"Can you tell me what the federal government intends to price carbon at in its emissions trading scheme? I'd like to get the jump on my big polluting rivals".

"Can you tell me the name of the horse that will win this year's Melbourne Cup? I'm a bit worried about my finances and thought if I had that information, I could secure my family's future very easily."

"My friend has cancer. Are they going to die?"

But then I realise that if I DID ring up, I would be charged.

At $5.45 a minute.

Yes. Well. Quite.

Concluding a discussion on "revving up" someone called Raven's creativity, Skeletal Bob and 80s Fringe Psychic have the following exchange...

"We're unique anyway - why not be SUPER unique?"

"Yes, we like being super unique!"

.... without a hint of irony.

And I realise.

In half an hour of polluting my brain with this nonsense, Simon is the only male name I've seen.

By and large, the callers seeking advice are women.

Why, ladies? Why?

Love, money, family, health and career are the hot topics, but most requests are "Can you see anything for me this year?"

Why do we need this? Why do we want this?

Are we more enlightened than our brothers, living on a higher plane of consciousness?

Or are we just bigger suckers for bullshit?

Do we just need someone outside ourselves and our immediate circle of friends and families to stroke us on the head and say "Good girl, it will all be all right."

I chew my lip.

I could DO this stuff. I'm a reasonable actor, and I'm a top-notch bullshitter.

But not even I, with my devilish conscious, could allow myself to charge you for it.

At $5.45 a minute.

So, I am pleased to declare PSYCHIC CLUMSY open for business.

Tell me your fears, your concerns. Ask me your questions, on any topic. I shall respond to answers about love, family, career and health like so:

"Good girl, it will all be all right."

And if your question is about your finances, then I shall suggest you buy a pack of tarot cards, set yourself up as a home psychic, and open a hotline offering advice.

At $5.45 a minute...

...you should be back in the black in no time.