Heineken has spent a reported $45 million dollars to sponsor the latest James Bond film, Skyfall.
James Bond. Drinking beer.
Beer.
The utter blasphemy of this decision should be obvious to anyone who's ever flicked on the teev and found themselves watching Goldfinger for the seventeenth time, because the bit with the ejector seat and the bit with the laser and Oddjob and Pussy Galore are so. freaking. cool.
Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against beer. Many people I respect and admire drink beer.
But James Bond does not drink beer.
James Bond drinks vodka martinis. Occasionally he drinks a mint julep, or Bollinger or Dom Perignon champagne. Sometimes port or sherry.
But never, ever, EVER beer.
James Bond does not pop to the off-licence for a six-pack. James Bond does not crack open a tallie on return from a hard day's work shooting bad guys on Her Majesty's pleasure. James Bond does not pick up a slab ahead of an evening's baccarat.
Now you may think I'm over-reacting. Fine. Here's an experiment.
Imagine James Bond eating a hotdog.
Go on, imagine it. Picture, in your mind, the suave secret agent, sidling up to a mobile van on a street corner, while on stake out. See 007 hand over a fiver in return for a soft bun and a lukewarm pink tube of almost-meat; watch as he squeezes first ketchup, then mustard over his late-night snack. Conjure up the image of Britain's sharpest spy shoving sugary bread into his mouth, fluffy specks breaking off on the corners of his lips and fluttering down to land the lapels of his Italian tuxedo, followed by a plop of errant mustard, leaving a yellow stain across his previously crisp white shirt. Imagine Bond chewing on rubbery sausage, he face contorting around the foodstuff, twisting and gobbing until the last of the desperately sad hotdog hits the back of his tonsils and he burps, quietly at first, then louder, the taste of over-cooked sausage returning for one final visit, like the Blofeld of processed meats.
YOU CAN'T IMAGINE IT WITHOUT BREAKING YOUR HEAD BECAUSE JAMES BOND DOES NOT EAT HOTDOGS SO NOW YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I'M MAD BECAUSE JAMES BOND DOES NOT DRINK BEER.
Here is my visual response:
I guess what I'm saying here is that JAMES BOND DOES NOT DRINK BEER.
he may not drink beer...but i think you made the idea of bond eating a hotdog far sexier than you had planned. or at least, the image in my head of bond eating a hotdog was far sexier than i thought it was going to be.
ReplyDeleteYeah My Lazenby Bond, but never Craig Bond.
ReplyDeleteGreat points Ms Clumsy, well made.
Real men drink beer :)
ReplyDeleteI agree, the very REASON James Bond was invented is he is the antithesis to the graceless slobs we women have to put up with every day..with this premise in mind, Bond CANNOT drink beer.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine Bond drinking beer but it would be a Leffe, Kwak or Chimay and it would be from the appropriate glass nor a freaking Heinie stubby.
ReplyDeleteOh come on if Ms Bunny Hops offered him one he might not say no.
ReplyDeleteTaking one for the country is what Bond, James Squire Bond is all about.
Beer ? beer ? next he will be driving a Holden Astra
ReplyDeleteRegards
The Ancient Man
Definitely does not drink beer. The very thought of it indeed. Next he'll be putting My Family stickers on his DB9.
ReplyDeletePretty certain I saw him take of swill a beer in Skyfall while 'dead'...
ReplyDeletehah! good spotting and definitely a good write-up :)
ReplyDelete